Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit

Soulmates is a bullshit word that people throw around and it has no real meaning. There are over 7 billion people on this planet and I’m statistically going to fall in love with more than one person. I could have several different loves over a lifetime and I could believe in that moment that each one is my soul mate. And they probably are because when I love someone I give them apart of me, a part of my soul and I never get it back in the end. There is no refund, I give it to them willing and with love and when people leave they take that love with them, they take a piece of my soul. Now I think the whole soul mate thing is a bit arbitrary. I want to have several great loves and I think they say it better in Sex and the City (I know everyone friggan brings this up but honestly it’s the best) that why can’t my best friends be my soul mates and guys just be something fun. 

I give my soul to my friends, all the love and support I can possibly muster. God I’ve had some shitty friends and some shitty relationships but nothing stays with you more than a fucking loyal friend. 

Which brings me to the real reason to this post. I have a best friend. Well I have a few but I’m going to talk about one in particular. Her name is Jaimi and she’s fucking crazy. Rhyme intended. 

I’ve know Jaimi for the smallest amount of time, under a year and in that time somehow she’s forced her fucking psychotic ass into every aspect of my life. She’s pushed me to my limits and brought me back to the tiny insignificant person I am.

I have spent my whole life struggling with beauty and how others perceive me. Fought to keep my sanity as I’ve cried myself to sleep feeling ugly and unwanted. I feel so inadequate in every day life. But fucking hell this girl has lit a fire under my ass. She’s tried her hardest to knock any insecurity I have right out of the ball park and I don’t even think she realises. 

I wake up everyday and I want to put makeup on and do my hair and look nice. I do it because it makes me feel good, she showed me that being myself and amplifying that is for me and not to impress some shitty little boy. 

I could list a 100 reasons why Jaimi is amazeballs and all the bullshit. But here it is in the simplest terms. When you’re in primary school they teach you about your life and others like a beach and that when you’re long gone from this earth you should have made such a difference that your foot prints stay on the beach because of something you’ve done. Now I’m pretty sure they were talking about the environment or some shit. But fuck that’s a good enology for what Jaimi does. Not just too me but everyone. She comes into your life like a ball of sun and she passes a little bit of her light, a little bit of her soul, to you and that light stays with you and makes you a better person. 

I’m not saying she’s perfect but she’s changed my life and has created this safe place for me to go whenever I need a home. 

She’s my soul mate, so is my other best friend Maddie and Devlin and my younger sister Nastassja. I am so grateful that I can pass this light that Jaimi gave me to the others that I love.

Jaimi I know you’re half way across the world and I know you feel alone. But you’re not. Aliens have burrowed into your brain and live in your eye now, they will be with you always. Also I am putting broken glass into your mothers food. 

For all others reading this, confused as fuck. Be that fucking light. Be so inspiring and beautiful on the inside that someone writes beautiful shit about you and you can change one persons life and leave your footprint in the sand. 

That’s all motherfuckers! 

How one sexual encounter changed my outlook

Okay yeah I need to work on my titles and if anyone has any suggestions I am all ears.
This was not my first sexual anything with anyone. I had been in relationships before and had sex plenty of times before but this one time really changed my outlook on how I perceived sex and how I looked at others having sex. I’m not a judgy person, I try to not be, I keep an open mind and hear all sides of the story. This is one occasion when no one bothered to hear mine.
Let me paint a picture of a younger, probably slightly skinnier and terrible hair cut version of my more mature self now. I was newly 18, graduated high school the year prior and like today I still had no idea where my life was going. In jumps *Mathew, I had known him on and off since I was 15 and he was only a few years older than me. Mathew looked like a fucking psycho but he really was a teddy bear.
Long black hair, weird facial hair, odd accent, tall, not so charming, not very fit, kinda funny and just fucking weird. There were a lot of ways to describe Mathew, he wore long black leather pants, trench coats and weird eye contacts to the pub. He wasn’t your average Australian in a small town. I thought we had a connection, looking back now it really was what every guy was to me back then, nothing. I don’t mean that in a horrible way, Mathew was my friend, we shared so much of one another but I wasn’t attracted to him and I didn’t think of him as more than a friend.
Of course, me having no real interaction with boys just took my interest in him being a friend as more. Anyway, besides that Mathew and I had sex. I remember it being a real build up over the course of a few months. From drinking, to cuddling and hanging out more. I was newly 18 and ready to be with someone more mature and different. I was looking for some kinky and/or rough sex.
Do you know what I got?
I got a grown man running out of the bedroom at 2am and me following 5 minutes later to see him in another room, in the dark, trying to get himself hard.
I was pretty fucked up.
It was my fault though. I went into the situation like I did with all the boys before me. Putting in little to no effort and hoping they’d cum quick so I could roll over and sleep, preferably spooning. I got from Mathew, touching and feeling and it felt nice and great but I didn’t want to kiss him. I didn’t want to touch him or be touched by him. I was so court up in just having sex with whomever that I never thought about wanting that person.
Mathew was a good guy, a really good champ. I think he knew that I wasn’t interested, maybe he thought he could change my mind or get my horny enough. I don’t even know, we’ve only mentioned it to each other a handful of times, usually with a laugh.
Mathew was a good guy until he wasn’t.
We all know guys change who they are around their mates. I always thought Mathew was different. I was very wrong. Less than a month after our last attempted fuck I was left crying in a bathtub.
Okay lets quickly flash forward, there wasn’t any backlash between Mathew and I after that night. We still talked and our friendship seemed to have gotten better. He started hanging out with other friends of mine and all seemed to be put behind us.
We were at a friend’s 18th, I wasn’t a huge fan of telling my two best friends about my sex life, mostly in fear of the bullying I received. This time was no different and it took me a couple of weeks after Mathew and I were together for me to tell them. They knew and it had become a funny joke between us all.
I can remember drinking a lot so I was pretty wasted early in the night and after 2 naps I was good to go. I was in the bathroom, chillin out being my drunken self and probably staggering around the bathroom. I heard my two best friends outside and I heard Mathew. Greetings were made and as I was ready to go out to them when I heard a conversation that sobered me up quick.
One of them asked about Mathew and I hooking up. Mathew’s answer was that we did not have sex and I was lying. Instead of my two best friends jumping in on my defence I got to stand there and listen to them talk about how they knew I was lying about having sex with Mathew because I had also lied about previous sex partners and I was a liar and I was shitty and blah blah blah.
Honestly though I was pretty mortal and I don’t remember much of what was said. But my feelings were very hurt! Not only did I feel ugly and rejected from Mathew but my two best friends believed him straightaway.
I stayed in the bathtub for 30 minutes before I had to leave because some underaged chick sculled my vodka and was dying. I left that bathroom with my head held higher and now a little annoyed that some stupid twelvie drank my alcohol!
I avoided my friends for a while, dancing and having a good time with others at the party. I remember a while later both coming up to me on the dance floor. I was quickly told by one of them that she asked Mathew what happened about us and he said I had lied, I am so proud of my damn response, I looked her square in the eyes and said if you want to believe him then fine. I ended up partying and having a good time ignoring all the stupid pain and rejection from him and my friends.
Months later Mathew ended up admitting the truth to her and I got no real apology from either of them. Bitches..
The point is after all this rambling. I stopped sleeping with guys I didn’t like. I mean sure I had a few relapses with some cute boys but I tried to stay clear from it. Sex means more to me now than just getting attention. And friendship means sticking up for others and believing your friends. Fuck Kayla though and fuck Mathew circa 2014/15.
I also think sex is sex and imma have it with whomever but now I think about whether I like the person or I’m attracted to them first.
Friends come and go but sex memories will always give you a good laugh.
I will never forget seeing a grown man hunched over in the dark trying to get hard.

Things I know are childish and I should stop but I do them even though I am an adult.

(Disclaimer: If you a reading this, YAY. It is also nearly 12am and I know how shit this post is. Hopefully I get better. Anyway enjoy.)

I. When someone tells me not to have sex with someone I still have sex with them because I have zero impulse control
II. I’ve never had a proper relationship because relationships are hard, I hate boys 85% of the time and my friends tell me I need one so I kinda refuse to get one to spite them?
III. I’m not a very good friend. I’m flaky, I’m really annoying and I have bolts of energy and terrible downs.
IV. Evenc when I have an important event on, if I get asked to have drinks the night before I’m still going to have drinks.
V. I think I’m a bit of an alcoholic, which shouldn’t count cause that’s pretty adult
VI. I’m massively passive aggressive
VII. When someone asks if I’ve seen a show, movie or heard a song I sometimes just say I have just so they don’t make me watch or worse talk about it
VIII. I USE CAPS LOCK TOO MUCH AND I THINK I should stop really.
IX. I still go running to my dad when someone is mean to me or I have car problems
X. I’m pretty mean to my mother, mostly just to spite her
XI. I also still call her mother because I know she hates it
XII. I’d rather just sleep with a guy than sit down, talk and get to know him
XIII. Honestly anything to do with boys I’m childish with
XIV. I also still call them boys because I don’t think I have ever met a real man
XV. Sometimes when I’m bored I will stir up past drama so I have something to do for 2 weeks
XVI. I have on more than one occasion cried over a cupcake. When there was nothing wrong with the cupcake.
XVII. I also just cry over food a lot
XVIII. I get too invested in tv shows I spend months researching stupid shit about it
XIX. I read too much fanfiction for it to be normal or ironic
XX. I inform people of when I’m pooping and I have sent several snapchats to my mother of my poops

I know heaps of people do these things and it’s not deemed as childish. But trust me when I do them I am being a child or just a big baby. Anyway comment if you do any of these things or give me a number out of 20. (I also consciously decided to use roman numerals and still had to go back through and count, maybe I should make a list on how stupid I am?)

Lonely and fat

Let me paint a picturing for you.

Fake blonde hair that doesn’t belong on such tan complexion, short and clipped and making the face appear so much rounder. Oh but was that face round to begin with! Freckles marred the skin unsure whether they wanted to fade or stand out. Bushy eyebrows really showcase dark and menacing eyes that look like two small dark wholes on a white canvas, sunken in and disfigured. Black tights with several holes and a giant white men’s t-shirt to hide the rolls when I sit down with no bra on underneath because I’m home and I like to live on the wild side.

Is this the real me? I know it is how I see myself but does everyone see this when they look at me. Am I exaggerating my flaws in the hopes that the small beautiful details of myself go unnoticed.

Is all I am to society just a fat girl?

…is that all I am to myself?