Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit

Soulmates is a bullshit word that people throw around and it has no real meaning. There are over 7 billion people on this planet and I’m statistically going to fall in love with more than one person. I could have several different loves over a lifetime and I could believe in that moment that each one is my soul mate. And they probably are because when I love someone I give them apart of me, a part of my soul and I never get it back in the end. There is no refund, I give it to them willing and with love and when people leave they take that love with them, they take a piece of my soul. Now I think the whole soul mate thing is a bit arbitrary. I want to have several great loves and I think they say it better in Sex and the City (I know everyone friggan brings this up but honestly it’s the best) that why can’t my best friends be my soul mates and guys just be something fun. 

I give my soul to my friends, all the love and support I can possibly muster. God I’ve had some shitty friends and some shitty relationships but nothing stays with you more than a fucking loyal friend. 

Which brings me to the real reason to this post. I have a best friend. Well I have a few but I’m going to talk about one in particular. Her name is Jaimi and she’s fucking crazy. Rhyme intended. 

I’ve know Jaimi for the smallest amount of time, under a year and in that time somehow she’s forced her fucking psychotic ass into every aspect of my life. She’s pushed me to my limits and brought me back to the tiny insignificant person I am.

I have spent my whole life struggling with beauty and how others perceive me. Fought to keep my sanity as I’ve cried myself to sleep feeling ugly and unwanted. I feel so inadequate in every day life. But fucking hell this girl has lit a fire under my ass. She’s tried her hardest to knock any insecurity I have right out of the ball park and I don’t even think she realises. 

I wake up everyday and I want to put makeup on and do my hair and look nice. I do it because it makes me feel good, she showed me that being myself and amplifying that is for me and not to impress some shitty little boy. 

I could list a 100 reasons why Jaimi is amazeballs and all the bullshit. But here it is in the simplest terms. When you’re in primary school they teach you about your life and others like a beach and that when you’re long gone from this earth you should have made such a difference that your foot prints stay on the beach because of something you’ve done. Now I’m pretty sure they were talking about the environment or some shit. But fuck that’s a good enology for what Jaimi does. Not just too me but everyone. She comes into your life like a ball of sun and she passes a little bit of her light, a little bit of her soul, to you and that light stays with you and makes you a better person. 

I’m not saying she’s perfect but she’s changed my life and has created this safe place for me to go whenever I need a home. 

She’s my soul mate, so is my other best friend Maddie and Devlin and my younger sister Nastassja. I am so grateful that I can pass this light that Jaimi gave me to the others that I love.

Jaimi I know you’re half way across the world and I know you feel alone. But you’re not. Aliens have burrowed into your brain and live in your eye now, they will be with you always. Also I am putting broken glass into your mothers food. 

For all others reading this, confused as fuck. Be that fucking light. Be so inspiring and beautiful on the inside that someone writes beautiful shit about you and you can change one persons life and leave your footprint in the sand. 

That’s all motherfuckers! 

Lonely and fat

Let me paint a picturing for you.

Fake blonde hair that doesn’t belong on such tan complexion, short and clipped and making the face appear so much rounder. Oh but was that face round to begin with! Freckles marred the skin unsure whether they wanted to fade or stand out. Bushy eyebrows really showcase dark and menacing eyes that look like two small dark wholes on a white canvas, sunken in and disfigured. Black tights with several holes and a giant white men’s t-shirt to hide the rolls when I sit down with no bra on underneath because I’m home and I like to live on the wild side.

Is this the real me? I know it is how I see myself but does everyone see this when they look at me. Am I exaggerating my flaws in the hopes that the small beautiful details of myself go unnoticed.

Is all I am to society just a fat girl?

…is that all I am to myself?