Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit

Soulmates is a bullshit word that people throw around and it has no real meaning. There are over 7 billion people on this planet and I’m statistically going to fall in love with more than one person. I could have several different loves over a lifetime and I could believe in that moment that each one is my soul mate. And they probably are because when I love someone I give them apart of me, a part of my soul and I never get it back in the end. There is no refund, I give it to them willing and with love and when people leave they take that love with them, they take a piece of my soul. Now I think the whole soul mate thing is a bit arbitrary. I want to have several great loves and I think they say it better in Sex and the City (I know everyone friggan brings this up but honestly it’s the best) that why can’t my best friends be my soul mates and guys just be something fun. 

I give my soul to my friends, all the love and support I can possibly muster. God I’ve had some shitty friends and some shitty relationships but nothing stays with you more than a fucking loyal friend. 

Which brings me to the real reason to this post. I have a best friend. Well I have a few but I’m going to talk about one in particular. Her name is Jaimi and she’s fucking crazy. Rhyme intended. 

I’ve know Jaimi for the smallest amount of time, under a year and in that time somehow she’s forced her fucking psychotic ass into every aspect of my life. She’s pushed me to my limits and brought me back to the tiny insignificant person I am.

I have spent my whole life struggling with beauty and how others perceive me. Fought to keep my sanity as I’ve cried myself to sleep feeling ugly and unwanted. I feel so inadequate in every day life. But fucking hell this girl has lit a fire under my ass. She’s tried her hardest to knock any insecurity I have right out of the ball park and I don’t even think she realises. 

I wake up everyday and I want to put makeup on and do my hair and look nice. I do it because it makes me feel good, she showed me that being myself and amplifying that is for me and not to impress some shitty little boy. 

I could list a 100 reasons why Jaimi is amazeballs and all the bullshit. But here it is in the simplest terms. When you’re in primary school they teach you about your life and others like a beach and that when you’re long gone from this earth you should have made such a difference that your foot prints stay on the beach because of something you’ve done. Now I’m pretty sure they were talking about the environment or some shit. But fuck that’s a good enology for what Jaimi does. Not just too me but everyone. She comes into your life like a ball of sun and she passes a little bit of her light, a little bit of her soul, to you and that light stays with you and makes you a better person. 

I’m not saying she’s perfect but she’s changed my life and has created this safe place for me to go whenever I need a home. 

She’s my soul mate, so is my other best friend Maddie and Devlin and my younger sister Nastassja. I am so grateful that I can pass this light that Jaimi gave me to the others that I love.

Jaimi I know you’re half way across the world and I know you feel alone. But you’re not. Aliens have burrowed into your brain and live in your eye now, they will be with you always. Also I am putting broken glass into your mothers food. 

For all others reading this, confused as fuck. Be that fucking light. Be so inspiring and beautiful on the inside that someone writes beautiful shit about you and you can change one persons life and leave your footprint in the sand. 

That’s all motherfuckers! 


Nice guys? Bye guys. 

Nice guys finish last because nice guys are asshole. 

I get asked all the time by people “why can’t you like him, he likes you.” Do you know what I wanna say to those people? Fuck you it’s none of your business back the fuck of. What I end up saying is “I know he likes me but I’m not interested in anything right now.” Which is a lie because I’m always interested. 

Now this guy who seems to be head over heels for me will either stop talking to me all together or say something very negative to me when he finds out the news. 

Now I’ve been rejected before plenty of times and I take it on the chin, cry for a week and eat myself silly. But I still continue talking to the person because I like them for a reason, I obviously enjoy their presence in my life. 

Now nice guys have a whole different agenda. For starters I’m sick of calling them nice guys, because that puts a bad spin on people who are actually nice. Let’s call them Dickheads. 

Dickheads will start talking to you very friendly. You can meet them anywhere; work, party or even just online. They are always real friggan nice in the beginning (hence the name) and they stay nice the whole time. I start to build a friendship with these guys, thinking so highly of them.

Now this can go on for days or months and at some put and a lot of other girls are the same, if I genuinely liked them I would have said something by then or just gotten drunk and made my move. 

If I haven’t in months and I’ve had opportunities to then no I’m not interested. 

Now the next stage is usually this person makes their intention clear. Now this is the part that can annoy me, they don’t tell me. I get told by a mutual friend putting me in a pretty awkward situation and bringing someone else into the “relationship.” 

I’m not a bitch. I’m not aggressive. I let you down gently and go on my way. 

You retaliate. Oh yeah if you don’t stop talking to me all together you go behind my back and tell people how I used you and I friend zoned you.

Speaking of which friend zoned is also bullshit. I have never friend zoned anyone in my life. When I meet someone I’m a friend first and a fuck after. I’m not thinking straight away oh wow when can I date this person. I mean sure sometimes I want to have sex with a person but that doesn’t diminish my interest in friendship.

Look my point is. Nice guys are mean and horrible. I hate lumping a group of men together because everyone is different. But at the same time when I hear nice guys don’t get the girl it makes me mad. 

Nice guys do get the girls! Do you know who doesn’t? Guys only interested in sex, who say they like me after a few days or weeks of talking and stop talking to me all together when I say I’m not interested. 

I’m a person too. I don’t like being mean or harsh and I will give anyone a go. Sometimes all I want is a mate and not someone to mate with. 

How one sexual encounter changed my outlook

Okay yeah I need to work on my titles and if anyone has any suggestions I am all ears.
This was not my first sexual anything with anyone. I had been in relationships before and had sex plenty of times before but this one time really changed my outlook on how I perceived sex and how I looked at others having sex. I’m not a judgy person, I try to not be, I keep an open mind and hear all sides of the story. This is one occasion when no one bothered to hear mine.
Let me paint a picture of a younger, probably slightly skinnier and terrible hair cut version of my more mature self now. I was newly 18, graduated high school the year prior and like today I still had no idea where my life was going. In jumps *Mathew, I had known him on and off since I was 15 and he was only a few years older than me. Mathew looked like a fucking psycho but he really was a teddy bear.
Long black hair, weird facial hair, odd accent, tall, not so charming, not very fit, kinda funny and just fucking weird. There were a lot of ways to describe Mathew, he wore long black leather pants, trench coats and weird eye contacts to the pub. He wasn’t your average Australian in a small town. I thought we had a connection, looking back now it really was what every guy was to me back then, nothing. I don’t mean that in a horrible way, Mathew was my friend, we shared so much of one another but I wasn’t attracted to him and I didn’t think of him as more than a friend.
Of course, me having no real interaction with boys just took my interest in him being a friend as more. Anyway, besides that Mathew and I had sex. I remember it being a real build up over the course of a few months. From drinking, to cuddling and hanging out more. I was newly 18 and ready to be with someone more mature and different. I was looking for some kinky and/or rough sex.
Do you know what I got?
I got a grown man running out of the bedroom at 2am and me following 5 minutes later to see him in another room, in the dark, trying to get himself hard.
I was pretty fucked up.
It was my fault though. I went into the situation like I did with all the boys before me. Putting in little to no effort and hoping they’d cum quick so I could roll over and sleep, preferably spooning. I got from Mathew, touching and feeling and it felt nice and great but I didn’t want to kiss him. I didn’t want to touch him or be touched by him. I was so court up in just having sex with whomever that I never thought about wanting that person.
Mathew was a good guy, a really good champ. I think he knew that I wasn’t interested, maybe he thought he could change my mind or get my horny enough. I don’t even know, we’ve only mentioned it to each other a handful of times, usually with a laugh.
Mathew was a good guy until he wasn’t.
We all know guys change who they are around their mates. I always thought Mathew was different. I was very wrong. Less than a month after our last attempted fuck I was left crying in a bathtub.
Okay lets quickly flash forward, there wasn’t any backlash between Mathew and I after that night. We still talked and our friendship seemed to have gotten better. He started hanging out with other friends of mine and all seemed to be put behind us.
We were at a friend’s 18th, I wasn’t a huge fan of telling my two best friends about my sex life, mostly in fear of the bullying I received. This time was no different and it took me a couple of weeks after Mathew and I were together for me to tell them. They knew and it had become a funny joke between us all.
I can remember drinking a lot so I was pretty wasted early in the night and after 2 naps I was good to go. I was in the bathroom, chillin out being my drunken self and probably staggering around the bathroom. I heard my two best friends outside and I heard Mathew. Greetings were made and as I was ready to go out to them when I heard a conversation that sobered me up quick.
One of them asked about Mathew and I hooking up. Mathew’s answer was that we did not have sex and I was lying. Instead of my two best friends jumping in on my defence I got to stand there and listen to them talk about how they knew I was lying about having sex with Mathew because I had also lied about previous sex partners and I was a liar and I was shitty and blah blah blah.
Honestly though I was pretty mortal and I don’t remember much of what was said. But my feelings were very hurt! Not only did I feel ugly and rejected from Mathew but my two best friends believed him straightaway.
I stayed in the bathtub for 30 minutes before I had to leave because some underaged chick sculled my vodka and was dying. I left that bathroom with my head held higher and now a little annoyed that some stupid twelvie drank my alcohol!
I avoided my friends for a while, dancing and having a good time with others at the party. I remember a while later both coming up to me on the dance floor. I was quickly told by one of them that she asked Mathew what happened about us and he said I had lied, I am so proud of my damn response, I looked her square in the eyes and said if you want to believe him then fine. I ended up partying and having a good time ignoring all the stupid pain and rejection from him and my friends.
Months later Mathew ended up admitting the truth to her and I got no real apology from either of them. Bitches..
The point is after all this rambling. I stopped sleeping with guys I didn’t like. I mean sure I had a few relapses with some cute boys but I tried to stay clear from it. Sex means more to me now than just getting attention. And friendship means sticking up for others and believing your friends. Fuck Kayla though and fuck Mathew circa 2014/15.
I also think sex is sex and imma have it with whomever but now I think about whether I like the person or I’m attracted to them first.
Friends come and go but sex memories will always give you a good laugh.
I will never forget seeing a grown man hunched over in the dark trying to get hard.

Things I know are childish and I should stop but I do them even though I am an adult.

(Disclaimer: If you a reading this, YAY. It is also nearly 12am and I know how shit this post is. Hopefully I get better. Anyway enjoy.)

I. When someone tells me not to have sex with someone I still have sex with them because I have zero impulse control
II. I’ve never had a proper relationship because relationships are hard, I hate boys 85% of the time and my friends tell me I need one so I kinda refuse to get one to spite them?
III. I’m not a very good friend. I’m flaky, I’m really annoying and I have bolts of energy and terrible downs.
IV. Evenc when I have an important event on, if I get asked to have drinks the night before I’m still going to have drinks.
V. I think I’m a bit of an alcoholic, which shouldn’t count cause that’s pretty adult
VI. I’m massively passive aggressive
VII. When someone asks if I’ve seen a show, movie or heard a song I sometimes just say I have just so they don’t make me watch or worse talk about it
IX. I still go running to my dad when someone is mean to me or I have car problems
X. I’m pretty mean to my mother, mostly just to spite her
XI. I also still call her mother because I know she hates it
XII. I’d rather just sleep with a guy than sit down, talk and get to know him
XIII. Honestly anything to do with boys I’m childish with
XIV. I also still call them boys because I don’t think I have ever met a real man
XV. Sometimes when I’m bored I will stir up past drama so I have something to do for 2 weeks
XVI. I have on more than one occasion cried over a cupcake. When there was nothing wrong with the cupcake.
XVII. I also just cry over food a lot
XVIII. I get too invested in tv shows I spend months researching stupid shit about it
XIX. I read too much fanfiction for it to be normal or ironic
XX. I inform people of when I’m pooping and I have sent several snapchats to my mother of my poops

I know heaps of people do these things and it’s not deemed as childish. But trust me when I do them I am being a child or just a big baby. Anyway comment if you do any of these things or give me a number out of 20. (I also consciously decided to use roman numerals and still had to go back through and count, maybe I should make a list on how stupid I am?)

Lonely and fat

Let me paint a picturing for you.

Fake blonde hair that doesn’t belong on such tan complexion, short and clipped and making the face appear so much rounder. Oh but was that face round to begin with! Freckles marred the skin unsure whether they wanted to fade or stand out. Bushy eyebrows really showcase dark and menacing eyes that look like two small dark wholes on a white canvas, sunken in and disfigured. Black tights with several holes and a giant white men’s t-shirt to hide the rolls when I sit down with no bra on underneath because I’m home and I like to live on the wild side.

Is this the real me? I know it is how I see myself but does everyone see this when they look at me. Am I exaggerating my flaws in the hopes that the small beautiful details of myself go unnoticed.

Is all I am to society just a fat girl?

…is that all I am to myself?

Season One: Buffy the Vampire Slayer

I love Buffy, it’s an honest fact and I’m assuming those of you who are reading this are pretty interested in her as well. It’s not just Sarah Michelle Gellar’s portrayal of Buffy that we all know and love, it’s the other characters that grow on us and the experiences and situations they go through. Buffy isn’t just some old fashioned cult classic 90’s TV show, it paved the way for my own generations future kick-ass feminist movies, TV shows, books and real life people.

Watching season 1 was not a choice I took light-heartedly. I knew that my memories and opinions of the show could change with the difference of my now adult self watching compared  to my 5 or 6 year old self watching. I remember it being about monsters,  one extremely hot vampire  and a really strong and beautiful blonde chick. My younger mind couldn’t comprehend the adult subjects but now that I am old it actually reaches out to me in a completely different way.

Let’s be honest here, season one is very campy but it makes fun of its self in a way that movies and TV shows still can’t do well today. In the first episode you see two young 20 somethings (they look 20 but they could be portraying teenagers I can never tell.) The boy is clearly the bad boy type by breaking into his old school and trying to impress this girl with his tough exterior. Now lets insert beautiful blonde girl (Who is not Buffy) in a school girl uniform. If you already knew the premise of the show you could tell either two things were about to happen in this scene. This bad boy type was either going to be a vampire thus killing this young innocent girl or some vampire was going to sneak out and kill them both.

Do you know what ends up happening? This so called innocent girl ends up turning full vamp and sucking the blood right out of this poor guys body. She was the bad guy all along and straight away you’re drawn in. She is clearly evil and you’re left confused as to who you’re meant to trust, It’s not just the biker bad guy type to fear now its the innocent little girl in a school girls uniform.

A perfect parody of the constant blonde damsels in distress’s and the guys always being bad to the bone of our time. It plays with your fears and changes your expectation of what you’re expecting the show to be. Which is great!

It’s a horror genre in its basic form with an added twist of defying the usual stereotypes and tropes of horrors that came before it. It’s a typical horror cult classic of its time with a feminist twist that leaves you sitting in anticipation.

ramblings of someone who can’t write

The most beautiful thing humans can do is story tell. A not exact quote from some very non-obscure actor on a crappy English talk show. I don’t think it was meant to stick with me in the way it did but it has been all I’ve thought about of late.

I know I am not a very good writer, in fact I inspire to be the laziest writer I can be. Story telling has always come naturally to me but putting those words to paper has to be one of the most difficult things I’ve done. I think about my words more, trying to choose the right ones and constantly picking the wrong ones.

Let’s not even get me started on the title. As I’m sure you can see above, I’m not the most creative person. I’m not good at clickbait, I feel like it’s lying or deceiving but picking a title that’s truthful and jumps off the page takes me about 20 minutes. 20 minutes so far and I’ve not come up with anything better than “ramblings of someone who can’t write.”

So tar dare!! Enjoy your day. Enjoy the reading. Enjoy some food.

(I promise I will come up with a better sign off, I swear.)